Roaring 40s

Today

It's hard to believe, but Lizzie turned forty yesterday. There's a level at which I don't feel that I can be old enough to have a daughter this age.

In My Day

I was just under twenty-five when Lizzie was born and in many ways I wasn't old enough to have a child. It seemed like a good idea at the time when I chucked away my pills, but as the pregnancy progressed I seemed to understand less and less.

I blithely assumed that I would carry on working full-time after she was born; otherwise we couldn't even have afforded the rent. I didn't factor in the possibility of a: the baby needing some special care b: me being unwell c: being unable to find a childminder. I assumed that I could cope with working full-time and providing breast milk for my baby.

I talked pretty big about the whole thing and read a book about psychoprophylaxis which basically said that childbirth is painless so long as you breathed right - what a lie that was.

In other words, I hadn't a clue.

It didn't help that the dates were all in confusion and the due date came and went without any sign of a birth; Lizzie eventually making her appearance six weeks later. Despite having read all these books, I didn't recognise the classic sign that labour was about to start, which was that I started spring-cleaning the flat and preparing enough food to last Paul six months. When I started to wash the kitchen floor at midnight Paul asserted himself and marched me to bed.

When I awoke later that night with the first contractions, I briefly fell apart, sitting on the edge of the bed and shaking. In some ways my profound ignorance was helpful; otherwise I might have been more anxious about how long the process was taking and questioned the midwife's cheery assurance that the second stage would be over in about six hours.

In fact, I'd say that the first few years of caring for Lizzie, despite my outward assurance, were more based on a wing and a prayer than anything else. We really did our growing up together, Lizzie and I.

At any rate, at the party on Saturday I've absolutely no intention of behaving as though I'm old enough to have a forty-year old daughter.