Today

I've really actually done it. Retired, that is. I left work in a flurry of flowers and champagne at the end of March. Given the state of flux of the rest of my life and that I've had two weeks' holiday since then, it's only now that I'm thinking about what it really means.

I had to fill in some form last week "occupation?" "retired". Well, that could mean any damn thing. You are defined in life by a number of things. For me, my marriage, my home and my occupation were the key planks on which I rested. One of those has completely gone away. The other two are still rather inclined to wobble if I rest my whole weight on them and threaten to tip me into the void.

So, I have to wonder whether I need to find new defining things and whether it really matters. Of course, there are plenty of things that I can do, but I don't just want to fill the time. When you are working you are achieving precise objectives as well as putting food on the table, so to speak. You also can say, when people ask you what you do, "I'm a......." and put a marker down as to where you belong. As a retired person, I could be any age from 55-105, I could be rich or poor, important or insignificant.

Of course, my lovely friends and family say "Oh, but you'll still be lovely, special you, whatever happens!" Thanks. But your occupation also shapes how you express your nature and I have no idea what'll happen now.

And it does make you sympathetic to women, whose whole lives are defined by being mothers, who become so depressed when the children leave home.

In my day

Paul retired, on health grounds, at the age of 48. He'd had recurring back problems as a result of 20 years of ambulance work and could take no more. To begin with, all was delight. He enjoyed cooking my meals when I came home, became obsessive about vacuum cleaning and doing his hobbies. He could also rest his back.

But when the back pain became less obtrusive and the reality of the smallness of his pension hit home he began to be restless. He explained that having hobbies as a way of unwinding from work was one thing, but to expect the model railway to fill one's horizons was another. And he got fed up waiting for me all day.

He found some ways to contribute: Youth offender panels and school governorships enabled him to find a position in society that had been taken away with his retirement. So it's really about being able to contribute something, whether it's creative or supportive.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my posh retirement dinner tonight!