Queue

Today

My nephew was on Facebook bewailing the fact that he'd chosen to go to Ikea on a Sunday. There was  chorus of "what were you thinking?" in response.

In My Day

Although friends and family had been extolling the virtues of Ikea for some time I wasn't persuaded into a foray until the year 2000, following the creation a new bedroom at 7 Mead Close. We needed bedroom furniture; simples! Off to Ikea - everybody was doing it and it's Scandinavian so must be a Good Thing. We set off to Bristol with Becky and a friend of hers one Saturday afternoon.

Having to join a queue to enter the carpark ought to have been our warning. We should have turned around right then and there. But, having come so far we weren't going to be deterred. Eventually, about half an hour later, we managed to squeeze into a place.

We confidently walked into the store, planning to go to the bedroom dept, buy what we wanted and leave. Oh no, that's not a possibility at Ikea. The only way to get where you wanted was to walk through every department. Little jolly footprints on the floor marked the way and there were no shortcuts. In fact, I don't think I've ever been in a shop, other than Ikea, that uses this bullying sales tactic.

The shop was heaving, children ran uncontrolled through the aisles. We became more and more irritated and still hadn't seen what we wanted. At last we got to the right place and saw a useful wardrobe, bedside table, wall mounted cupboard and glazed cabinet. Perfect! Now to buy them.

This turned out to be almost as hard as getting into the carpark. Clutching our little dockets which told us in which aisle in the warehouse our items were, we then had to go through the entire rest of the shop  before getting to the warehouse. There was scant help if the items you were after were on the highest shelf or were too heavy for you to manage.

At last we dragged our overloaded trolley to the checkout where the queues were about an hour long. We waited and waited and waited. Ikea's only solution to the problem was to come round with dishes of boiled sweets as though all we needed was a sugar top-up to maintain our stamina and good humour.

We eventually got out and home and unloaded our stuff, only to discover that one item had a crack in it and the only solution was to take it back. I called Ikea "Which is your quietest time?" I demanded. "Tuesday mornings" was the answer, so we trekked back to change the item the following Tuesday, growling "never again".

I took proper umbrage a few years ago when a friend, admiring an original painting on my wall, asked, "Is it from Ikea?" (It was actually by Alce Harfield). Ikea is not my standard for art with which to adorn my walls!

I can't even avail myself of the consolation prize suggested by some, which is just to head for the cafe and wolf down meatballs, as I'm a veggie.