Today
On Women's Hour today there was a discussion about parents having favourites among their children. There was much said about the effects on both the favoured and the unfavoured and on the duty that parents have to restrain themselves from expressing their preference and learning to love all equally.
Sometimes, from an outsider's point of view, it's easy to think that you can see that a particular child is favoured but all may not be as it seems.
In My Day
Mamma was never one to avoid speaking a truth, however much it might take your breath away. She used to talk about how much Chris, born twenty months after David, used to cry. "It was because I was so wrapped up with David," she would say "He was jealous."
Later this changed. David spent much of his childhood at boarding school and Chris became the golden child. He and Mamma had much in common and Mamma freely admitted that if she had to choose whom to support between Daddy and Chris there was no contest; Chris won every time.
Later, when I was approaching thirty, Mamma once said to me, apropos it seemed, of nothing, "Well, Chris was always my favourite but you've turned out the best." I have puzzled over this ever since, never being quite sure what she meant by "turned out" and why she had to have a favourite.
With my own girls I certainly never have had a favourite; they have each brought their own unique brand of delight. What would be true to say, however, is that Becky was simply easier. I think this was just down to differences in innate personalities. Lizzie was much more inclined to feel and express her emotions in an unfiltered way. She found change unnerving and there were many changes for her to contend with. Becky was more tractable and easier to control.
What has grieved me is to learn that some people saw this as indicating a preference for one daughter over the other and didn't hesitate to tell Lizzie so and to manipulate her emotions in an attempt to drive a wedge between her and her sister. Why they felt they had to do this, I don't know.
It is to Lizzie's credit that they didn't succeed and that she and Becky are still best friends.
2 comments:
We seem to be at the embryo stage of this. Evie has just started saying "You like Max more than me" because of the time-intensive activities we have to do with him, such as feeding, dressing, etc.
I have reminded Evie that I do things with her that I don't do with Max, and I just hope this is the correct path to take!
Definately an issue I can relate to Aunt Jula.
Tricky one this, involving as it does ones own dubious detachment as a parent, undeniable personality differences and empathies, and the complex business of 'forgiving ones parents'.
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