Following the Rules

Today

This morning Paul & I were talking about grandchildren and the question of discipline. Do you follow your own heart or the rules laid down by their own parents?

A bit of both, I guess, is the answer.

In My Day

Our children started out with two full sets and a great-grandparent (altho' Nan was pretty far gone by the time Becky was born). Their grandmothers couldn't have been more temperamentally different and I think this was reflected in how they treated their grandchildren. Tricia was the Gran who told silly jokes, cuddled them and surprised them with her emotional variability. Mamma was altogether a more didactic and measured influence; her enjoyment in their company was obvious.

Their attitude to my mothering also differed. While Tricia criticised me for my relaxed attitude to bedtimes ("My niece's daughter is in bed by 6.00pm - beautifully brought up, beautifully brought up!"). In vain for me to protest that I was barely home from work until 6 and wanted to spend time with my girls; her beliefs were rooted in an age of nannies and children being seen and not heard. On the other hand she respected our rules concerning diet and health concerns.

Mamma, being largely my role model for mothering, had fewer issues with this. But I do think she had a rather "stuff and nonsense" attitude to modern health and diet concerns.

Nowhere was this more obvious than on the subject of chocolate. Early on, we'd noticed a connection between the consumption of even small amounts of chocolate and Lizzie's complexion and behaviour, both becoming heated and patchy at the same time. So we banned the consumption of chocolate. Not so hard, surely? Tricia would scour shops at Easter time to find chocolate-free eggs for Lizzie.

I remember one occasion; I guess it must have been in about 1979. Mamma was staying with us at Rowan Avenue, Becky was two, Liz seven. Paul and I took advantage of her presence to take a day Christmas shopping in London. We had a splendid day and arrived home late in the evening, laden with goodies

Liz was a little fractious and her colour was high, to be sure, but the hour was late and we greeted Mamma and the girls as usual. Mamma and Lizzie proudly said that they'd been cooking together and showed us their efforts, a little plate of pretty pinwheel biscuits. "Do they have chocolate in them, Mamma?" I demanded. "Well, only about three ounces..." said Mamma defensively. "Mamma, just look at her!" I responded. Lizzie's bright red, blotched cheeks and hyperactive behaviour were plain to see. "Well!" Mamma climbed down fairly graciously "I see now, but I wouldn't have believed it."

I think, that, just because we are older and have had children ourselves, we don't have a monopoly in the understanding of childcare. And our children do eventually grow up and there's a chance they might in some areas be wiser than we are.