Crossing Plant

Today

Many of the properties we view are enhanced, if that's the word, by being covered with vegetation. Nothing, it is true, gives a house such an air of venerability as being covered with ivy. But the house at Croscombe is all but smothered under a clematis "Montana Rubens" and a huge wisteria and the owner of one house in Chilcompton was despairingly resigned to the ingress of his clematis into the garage.

In My Day

Our house in Stoke St Michael was built in the late 1970s, so when we moved in in 1986, it still had rather a raw look, so to speak. I took the back garden in hand, sowing grass seed on the muddy patch and planting a range of shrubs. Now for the front! The previous owners had, somewhat recklessly, planted five conifers directly in front of the house which threatened the foundations and each other, but the house itself was still rather bare.

"The thing to give it instant gravitas", I said to Paul with confidence "is a Russian Vine - it's known as "mile-a-minute" because it grows so fast!" Paul, whose horticultural knowledge is about as extensive as mine is of Sanskrit, blithely took my word for it. He even attached the trellis to the house front for me.

The plant was bought, planted and prospered. How wonderful the house looked, covered in this gracious vine. In summer it was covered with racemes of tiny creamy flowers and I began to feel very proud of my sagacity. OK, it had twisted itself inextricably around the TV aerial cable, but that didn't seem to affect our TV watching.

The plant first became seen as a problem when it encroached into our bedroom via the ever-open window. Tendrils waved threateningly over the bed and I began to have "Little Shop of Horrors" types of dreams. Would it engulf us in the night and would our strangled corpses be discovered by people who had to hack their way through with machetes?

Next, it found its way into the loft forcing its way under the eaves. Lack of sunlight made these outriders turn white and spindly. Somehow that made it all seem even more threatening. Pruning the beast only seemed to encourage it.

Eventually, after a couple of years' growth had sent it over the roof, causing our little house to all but disappear I decided it had to go.

With energy I began to cut it away at the base. The stems aren't particularly tough and soon I had cut through them all. But it wouldn't come down, as it was still firmly attached to the TV cable.

So up I went into the spare room and leaned out of the window with my secateurs, hacking away at strand after strand. The vine swayed menacingly. Finally, I thought "Nothing for it! The cable with have to go, too." I cut through the cable and the vine's last hold on the house was gone. The entire plant crashed onto the front garden taking with it the trellis. "Geronimo!" I shouted. An answering cheer went up. It seemed that all the neighbours had gathered to watch this astounding event and that they were as glad as I was to see it go !

So, venerable or not, those clematis and wisteria had better watch out!