Malice Aforethought

Today

This morning I was dipping into one of my "No 1 Ladies' Detective Agency" books in which Mma Ramotswe is trying to help a client redress an old wrong. She seeks out the person to whom the wrong was done and explains the situation.

When this person looks angry Mma Ramotswe says "He is very sorry for what he did wrong; have you never done anything wrong for which you would like to apologise?"

The answer, of course, is "yes" as it is for most of us.

In My Day

I like to think of myself as without malice and with a large capacity to forgive; generally, I think that this is actually true. But it has not been developed without some difficulty and pain along the way.

When I was at primary school I bore the brunt of much teasing and bullying. I came from a strange family, didn't talk Saarf Lunnon, wasn't very pretty and was far too keen on being educated. I failed entirely to learn such protective mechanisms as keeping quiet or becoming either a bully or a clown myself. And I certainly never spoke to a teacher or my parents.

Which might explain the retributive action I took one day against the most active group of these bullying children. Finding a quiet few minutes I sat down and wrote hate-mail letters to each of them. I popped these letters into their respective desks and waited. I can't now remember what I threatened but it was enough to cause uproar. The class teacher became involved and we were all quizzed. I not only lied coolly but was even very indignant and joined in the search for the (never apprehended) culprit. When a note was shown to me with discussions about identifying the handwriting I was appalled to notice that I had so far failed to disguise mine, that a characteristically carelessly written "M" was clear for all to see who had eyes.

Fortunately for me, nobody made the connection and I escaped, scott-free. I don't know what I would have done had somebody else been punished for my crime. And I can't imagine the effect on my life and school career had I confessed or been found out. I certainly never committed such an act again and have felt ashamed ever since.

In fact, I think that this is the first time that I've admitted to this. I don't think that lasting harm was done and I apologise for the distress caused. But I do think that until now, there was just a tiny black corner in my heart that is now lightened.